One of my friends, KyleDawn, posted about not feeling God's leading in her life lately. It struck me because I've been thinking a lot lately about how I feel like I have/had all these passions, but in many ways I'm not really using them and that is frustrating me.
Like my Spanish. I talk in Spanish occasionally to a couple of my kids at work, but I'm loosing it and that makes me sad. I LOVE Spanish and it made me happy to be able to use it, but I haven't been lately. There just hasn't been anywhere to really use it. And I don't know how to change that. I know I could find a church in Spanish or something like that, but I love my church and don't want to leave it, not to mention the fact that I now work there so can't really leave. And I just don't know where else to go.
And I miss missions stuff. I miss traveling and serving in places that really need it. I miss learning from people who are so different, yet to whom I'm so connected through Christ. The majority of the kids in my church are firmly middle class and just not what I was used to.
I just don't know how to change any of this. I feel like God gave me these passions and abilities, but I'm not using them. I don't really know if I'm just supposed to wait patiently or if I'm being lazy and I'm supposed to look for some way to use these things.
I'm actually settling down just a little bit for the first time. I've been at the same job for almost a year now. And I finally have enough money, by no means a lot, but enough that there is a little in savings in case I miss a day or two of work or the like. And that is kind of a nice feeling. But at the same time, I'm not sure I want this to be where I settle. I just don't know.
And I guess like Kyle, there hasn't been that same kind of leading I experienced in college. I'm not near as sure what I'm supposed to be doing.
I guess the thing that is slightly encouraging is what I talked about at our kids basketball games last weekend. God has plans for me even when I'm not so sure about it. God sees the whole picture. When I look back, I'll be able to see how God was working now. And least I hope so and that I won't look back and think I just wasted this time. I don't know... 
Life thoughts
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Karen, I didn't have the passions that you have when I was your age, but looking back, I know that raising two terrific responsible daughters is what was "supposed" to happen. I know that by being able to stay at home and being involved in your lives has helped you be who you are today, and because of who you are today, you have left your mark on so many.
I guess the point is, you might not know who you affect or how you affected them until much later in life.
And now look at me...it's taken 50 years to find the "true place" for me...at least for now. And I know now that I can still make a difference in the lives of these "special kids".
Hang in there...Life will surprise you in the most unpredicatble ways.
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