I'm CLEAN ! ! ! ! !

I'm clean! That is all I can think right now! How fresh and clean I am! I'll give you one guess which Sacrament I received today.


So I finally actually got to talk to Monsignor on the phone, after only 6 days of phone tag. And what does he say? "Can you come in about an hour?" I calmly told him that would be fine, while instantly beginning to shake inside! Yup, that nervous excitement building up in me all at once.

I'll try and write more about the whole thing later when I can think and process better, but for now, just whatever comes to mind.

The whole thing is a powerful experience, but at the end, he put his hands on my head and says the words of absolution. It is just AMAZING! God is really washing away all of my sins through the hands of Monsignor! How cool is that?! Then he prays for me that I would be strengthened. And at the end, he gives me a big hug and tells me how excited and happy for me he is!

It is funny, you read all about how God uses everyday, physical things in the Sacraments, water, bread, wine, touch, oil, but it doesn't really hit you until you participate. How lucky am I to be able to have the VERY physical memory and reminder of the Sacrament to remind me I'm forgiven, of everything! It is one thing to think back to the words he said, or even before to think back to how I would just pray for forgiveness, but now I have the reminder, Monsignor touching my head to remind me that I'm forgiven and to remind me to "go and sin no more." It is so much more powerful that way! Amazing, God knew what He was doing!

Rite of Welcome - Part 2

Then we did a short prayer walk. There is a hallway in the building we were in that has a row of icons on it, so we all walked along that, stopping at each one for a moment to reflect and pray the short prayer on the icon and then make a sign of reverence, kind of a bow with your head. Then we went into the Retreat Room and Monsignor read us the second creation story and we talked about that for a minute. Then we were sent out into creation to reflect for a bit. We were also told to bring back something that said something about ourselves. I brought back a little plant with some roots on it. I talked about how it is the root's job to soak up the water and nutrients. I feel like right now that is where I'm at. I've spent a while in this active learning stage, reading, thinking, praying a lot, but now it is time for me to slow down and just kind of soak everything in. Absorb everything around me.

Then we read the story of God telling Abraham to sacrifice Issac and talked about it for a bit. Then we broke up into pairs to talk about trust and faith. I ended up with our leader since my sponsor had something else today. I really like our leader, she is always so encouraging and helpful and I'm blessed whenever I get to talk with her. So we talked about the questions. And we also talked a bit about where I was in all of this. She said that she was reading all of my reflection papers (since I'm done with the book, there are quite a few of them!). She also mentioned how she like the one when I was talking about how Mary is slowly finding her way into my life. She said that it seems to be like that, that the closer one gets to Jesus, the closer one gets to Mary.

Then we read a passage from Romans about sin. We talked a bit about personal sin and original sin. We talked about how we all have those places where we have failed. Then we each got a piece of paper where we were supposed to write down all of those things and then fold it up and put it in a bowl. Then we quietly walked outside with those and burnt them. It was a powerful moment. I was thinking, this is what confession will be like, all that stuff will be totally gone! When we went back inside that is what we talked about, how powerful a thing the Sacrament of Reconciliation is. Even as it is scary to admit all of those sins and to speak them out loud, I'm getting more and more excited about being able to do that. I'm excited about the grace that God gives through the sacrament!

I really am getting more and more excited every day about this. It is crazy, I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would end up Catholic. But I'm one hundred percent convinced that this is where God is calling me. And this journey is amazing!

Rite of Welcome - Part 1

Today we had a Rite of Welcome and a little mini-retreat. There were eight of us there who will be received into the Church at the end of November. It was a really neat thing. We got there and they gave us a very brief overview of what would happen in Mass, basically when we would go up to the front and that we would have to tell everyone our names. So then we went over to the church and sat in the first two rows. We went through the Liturgy of the Word part like normal. Then after the homily, they called us and our sponsors to stand up at the front. They welcomed us and had us say our names as a sign of our desire to continue deciding if we want to be received into the Church. Then the congregation as asked if they would support us on our journey, and of course responded that they would. Then we turned and faced our sponsors and as the priest read, our sponsors made the sign of the cross over out senses, our heads, ears, eyes, mouths, heart, hands, and feet. Then they gave us crucifix necklaces to wear. Then Mass continued on as normal.

We talked about it afterwards while we were eating breakfast. I said that for me, it played a big part in making this all very real. I'm almost there! We have hit the home stretch. And it is getting more and more exciting by the day! Only 28 days to go!

Angels and Narnia

On Tuesday we talked a little bit about angels in my RCIA class since it was the Feast of the Guardian Angels. Angels have never been something I've thought about too much. I've kind of had a general belief in them and I don't think they are pretty people dressed in white, but that has been about it. I don't know if Protestants in general think less about angels than Catholics or if it is just me, but that has been my experience.

So as we were talking about all of this, I had this brief flash of understanding. I wonder if Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy are to Narnia as angels are to us. They were created separately from the people in Narnia, just like angels are totally different beings. And then seemed to show up when the people/animals of Narnia where in need, just as angels come to our aid.

I know it doesn't strictly corralate, the Pevensies aren't messengers from God and don't live in heaven with Him. And they weren't around to watch out for the Narnians all the time. But it seems just close enough to give me this little flash of understanding of angels. I'll admit, I still don't totally get it, but it seems a little bit closer now.

Community

It has been a crazy week, so I haven't gotten around to writing about RCIA this week yet, but better late than never!

I had an interesting conversation before class started with a couple of ladies about the whole having a sponsor/companion thing. It sounds like it hasn't been the most organized thing in the past, but they are trying really hard to work on that and it is going well. We all got sponsors last week, well those of us who needed on, and they seemed really excited that we all seemed to be chatting quite a bit and getting along well. They were talking about how they really hoped that our sponsor would both be part of the journey and help connect us to the parish community. For example we have the parish fiesta coming up and I think they hope that our sponsors will invite us or something.

That excites me because that is the hardest part for me right now. I've dropped stuff at my Methodist church (in fact this is my last week teaching Sunday School), but haven't really replaced anything yet. And being active in my church is extremely important to me! It is who I am! So it is really hard being patient as I go through this whole transition stage.

It does help that I've been blessed by some amazing friends who have been really encouraging even though this isn't their journey. It was interesting, one day as I was chatting with my boss he asked if I thought I'd still be friends with the people I'm closer to at my old church. I told him without a doubt, yes! I'm thankful that I'm able to say that. It makes the transition a lot easier knowing that I'm not leaving everyone behind and that I have all these people who I love and still support me as I'm slowly becoming part of this parish.

I Get It!

I've read a lot of people conversion stories in this whole process of thinking about converting. And one thing I never really "got" was this huge anticipation for when they could finally receive the Eucharist. I mean I kind of understood that it would be a special moment and important and all, but I didn't really "get" this impatient waiting. I guess I kind of figured, I haven't received for 25 years, what is another few months. The you can't miss something you've never had kind of idea.


Well, I get it. The more sure I am about all of this and the more I go to Mass, the more I get it! I want to fully participate! I want to receive Jesus! I don't think it helped this week that I was reading the sections on the sacraments in my book, so that make me even more excited for the time when I will be able to participate. It is getting harder and harder to go up an cross my arms for a blessing. I get it!!!

Moments

Well, I just got back from "class" number two and I'm still really excited. We had a nice prayer time and talked about 9-11 for a few minutes. Then we talked about who had been to Mass that week and anything they noticed or any questions they had a such.

Then the pastor of our parish came and we all introduced ourselves to him, and everyone else. That was interesting to hear a little bit about everyone's background. It seems we are about half and half baptized and unbaptized. I think all the other people who had been baptized were baptized Catholic and just missed out on the rest of the sacraments somehow. And there were a lot of people there because their spouse was Catholic or they wanted their children brought up Catholic. But there seems to be a pretty wide variety of experiences.

Then we went over a couple of the questions people had from Mass (colors of the vestments and music) and then spent a couple of minutes talking with the person next to us about what we had read. I feel kind of silly because I'm on Chapter 7 already, but they said read it at your own pace, and well, I like to read!

Then we went over to the main church and had a tour. That was really nice. Some stuff I had kind of figured out as I went along, but there was plenty of new stuff too. We saw the sacristy, where the priests get ready and such, and the special drain into the ground. We talked about the candles where you can pray, the altar, and saw the marble slab that has a saints relics in it. We saw the baptismal fount.

We also peeked in the confessional booths. That was an interesting moment for me. I was a tiny bit nervous thinking about my first confession, but also really excited listening to the director talk about what a special sacrament it is. I really am getting more and more excited when I think about when I will finally be able to participate in the sacraments!

The other really powerful moment was when we were over next to the tabernacle and talking about it. She was explaining about genuflecting when we pass it and how we believe that Jesus is really truly present there. Then she pretty much just told us to do whatever we were comfortable with for now, but that Jesus was really just SOO excited that we were even there! The director was just so excited when she said this, that you could just feel God seeping out of her and really did believe that Jesus was that excited that we were even there!

We also stayed for the reposition of the Blessed Sacrament and that was really powerful too. Just that there Jesus is, right in front of us, right there with us! Again, it made me really excited for the day when I can fully participate in the sacraments!

First "Class"

Well, I had my first Profession of Faith class tonight. It was interesting. I'm still sorting through all my thoughts and feelings, but I think I'm really going to like it. All the people were really nice and were extremely passionate about the whole thing which was neat. It is always encouraging to see people so excited about their faith. It also seems like it will be a good mix between "book learning" and faith formation. The leader talked a lot about it being a process not a program (they aren't classes either, they are sessions) which makes sense. This kind of thing isn't going to happen on the same timetable for everyone, and everyone is starting at a different place in it all. But at the same time, it doesn't seem like it will be fluffy or unorthodox. She also talked about the book we had and how we will have to stand up there and answer if we believe in all that the Catholic Church teaches, so we better know what that is! So it seems like it will be a good balance.

A couple things that struck me; first, she talked about mystery. She talked about how it isn't like a puzzle to be figured out, like a mystery book. It also isn't just throwing up your hands and saying "It is a mystery" and not thinking about anything. I wish I remember exactly how she said it, but the basic idea is that while we still try our best to understand and talk about things, at the same time, we know that our ideas and words are incomplet, that we don't see the whole. I like that, it is the balance. We try to understand and explain things as best we can, but because God is so big and so other, we will always fall a little short of what He actually is.

Another thing I liked, was we were talking about the Bible. She talked about if someone found your journal, would they have a pretty good idea of who you are as a person? Yes, but they wouldn't be able to totally understand the whole you. That is what they Bible is, it gives us a good idea about God, but we still can't totally understand God from it.

The other thing she talked about were kind of the four big focuses of this process. Catechism, learning about what the Catholic Church believes, the Bible, reading and processing it, community, becoming part of this community, and worship, participating in Mass. That makes sense to me, it seems like a nice well rounded approach to the whole thing. I guess for me, I feel like I have a decent grasp on the first two. I'm really excited about being part of a community, meeting people and haveng people around to be encouraged by and to encourage. And worship is what drew me to this in the first place, so that excites me!

I was also chatting with one of the people running it a little bit and she was telling me about one of the ladies who used to be in charge, and how she went through a similar thing as I am, trying to drop things at one church and adding them here. She mentioned how hard it had been for this lady. That was really encouraging to know that there people who have gone through what I'm dealing with and that they understand!

So that was pretty much it. Starting to get to know people and kind of a general overview of what the process would be like. It was interesting and it will be even better as I begin to feel more comfortable and get to know those around me.

Conversion Stories

I've been reading a bunch of people's conversion stories online again. I read a bunch when I first started going to Mass and thinking about all of this, but at the time it was a curiosity, what are other people's experiences and feelings toward all of this.

This time it seems different though. When I read them I begin to get excited. I start thinking about where I am in the story. And what it will be like as I go through the rest of the process. I read about the amazement and awe of First Communion and I think about how I will feel when it is my turn. Yup, I imagine that is a sign that I'm getting more and more committed to this by the day!

Total Awe!

Mass tonight was just amazing! I'm not even sure why, it was just a normal Mass. I would guess it has to do with class starting in three days and me getting more and more excited about that. And i think I'm getting closer and closer to making that final jump of faith, that I really do believe in all of this, every last bit.

But I literally spent like half of Mass almost shaking, from the Consecration on. I was just so in awe of God and of the whole thing! And during communion as I knelled there, I usually pray, but I could express anything but amazement. I just knelled there and watched. I don't even really remember what I was thinking. I just know I was in awe.

I'm getting more and more excited about this whole thing! The scary part hasn't really gone away, but it is beginning to be overshadowed by my feelings of excitement.